What is Happening at Shine

If a partner or ex-partner is controlling and abusing someone, it may be impossible for them to find safety and freedom without support and advocacy from others.

You can help a victim get safe and stay safe. Your donation can give them the advice and options they need to find safety.

Shine advocates help with practical support and work with other agencies to coordinate services and advocate on a victim's behalf. The pandemic has created terrible conditions for domestic violence. Our Advocate Team Leader says it's the "most horrific violence" she's seen in two decades. We need your support to help as many high-risk victims as possible. 

>> Please give today << 

While in New Zealand we feel like we have more control over COVID-19 and lockdowns, sadly we are seeing no such changes around domestic violence – in fact we are seeing more demand for our service due to increasing levels of violence in our communities.

The lockdowns we had in Auckland earlier in the year prompted me to think about how it must be for people living with domestic violence and how vital it is to have Shine services available to support victims of abuse.

‘Normal’ life for our clients, even without COVID-19, can be unfathomable to many of us.

We spoke with one of our advocate managers about our clients’ experiences of living with violent partners. She told us that for many who have been subjected to domestic violence - coercive control tactics usually start slowly and covertly… people don’t often see them.

Can you imagine...

• Being timed every instance you leave the house to drop your children off at school, run an errand, or pick up groceries. You are so stressed as you frantically try to meet unrealistic timeframes…only to be viciously yelled at or grilled about stopping to see someone else, what else you did, and who you spoke to.
• That every phone call you make is monitored, and every evening your phone, emails, and internet browser are checked. Fake social media profiles are created so you can be followed online, or friends and family are asked to keep an eye on what you’re up to and report everything back to your partner.
• Time spent at home is having to listen to your partner telling you how useless you are, that no one else will want you; that both of your families think you are crazy; and how your family is so grateful for you being taken such good care of.
• Being threatened verbally and physically for something you have said, or if you don’t do something quickly enough or correctly.
• Having to ask for money all the time, no control over your bank accounts, and having to justify every single cent you spend. You’re not given enough money to buy food for the whole family but then face your partner’s ongoing verbal abuse because there isn’t enough food in the house.

Give now to help families get safe, and stay safe

Gaslighting is another regular practice in an abuser’s toolbox. A person can covertly sow seeds of doubt in your mind to make you question your own memory or judgement. Some of what our team heard as examples are things like regularly moving keys; constantly emptying the milk bottles; telling you the time of an event, then on the day swearing black and blue that you were told it was a different time.

Many clients say the mind games are the worst – you start questioning your sanity and judgement. As a result, you don’t sleep well and your wellbeing & health declines. Your time is spent making sure you are doing the best for your children - protecting them by trying not to upset your partner.

It is constantly like walking on eggshells and it is exhausting.

But - because you are so fearful of your partner – you cannot leave. Threats have already been made against your children, your pet, and you if you ever leave. Even then, if you do leave - where would you go? Will anyone believe you? How will you stay safe? Will you be tracked down? How will you support your children? How will you ever get your life back on track and your mind healthy again?

Believe it or not, sometimes it can appear to be safer to stay.

It is so hard to imagine – yet for so many, this is their everyday devastating reality.

But thanks to people like you, many victims of domestic violence see there is support and are able to reach out to us and seek help, protection, and support.

We want to shine a light on domestic violence. In June this year we ran our annual Light it Orange event, in the hopes that we will raise more awareness about the impacts of domestic violence, and generate more crucial funds to continue addressing this problem in New Zealand.

Our service continues to face ongoing pressure as our staff deal with an ever-increasing demand to meet the needs in our community. We cannot do it without people like yourself.

We need to continue meeting demand for our services - but we need help! Please consider making a much-needed gift today to help give vulnerable people a chance for a safer, better life.

>> YES - I want to help today <<

Thank you for standing with us against domestic violence.

Help families get safe and stay safe

“Why can’t Dad come home – I miss him”

These words broke my heart. My eldest son David* loved his Dad so much.

David had been so angry for a long time – but the final straw for him was when I couldn’t take any more of his Dad’s verbal and physical abuse, and called the Police. Both my kids were confused and angry - refusing to talk to me and frequently lashing out. When I look back now, there had been a steady change in both of them as our family unit gradually imploded.

When the KIDshine advocate Debbie* came to see me after the arrest, she spent a lot of time listening to understand about my struggles through my relationship, and how confused I felt about what lay ahead of me. We also talked lots about the needs of my children and the issues I’d been facing with them.

Before Debbie introduced herself to my kids and began to help us, I had known with a heavy heart that I had gradually been losing my lovely, bubbly children.

David had always looked up to his Dad a great deal, but he’d begun skipping school, was becoming more and more defiant, and showing sure signs of mirroring his father’s aggressive behaviour. I could see that in few years I would potentially be fearful of him too. Amy* my daughter had become steadily withdrawn. She was struggling at school and when she came home, she would quietly do her homework and then retreat to her room. She was becoming increasingly nervous when her Dad was at home.

Over the years, I had tried so hard to shield them from the abuse I was receiving. I would make sure the house was tidy, with no toys or anything lying around when my husband came home. If he arrived home in a bad mood and started yelling or verbally abusing me, I would send the children to their room so they didn’t have to witness what was coming.

Debbie spent time with my children together and separately. She patiently listened, asked questions, and gave them the space to open up.

Amy shared that she was constantly on edge and scared of doing something wrong around her father, believing that if she left things lying around, or her Dad didn’t like what she said that I would end up paying the price for it. She had heard him telling me that I was a ‘useless mother’ and threatening to have them taken away from me.

She was exhausted, just trying to do everything she could to prove I was a good Mum. All this was affecting her own mental health. She couldn’t concentrate at school and was so scared of her Dad that she didn’t want to ever be alone with him.

David also opened up to Debbie. He said that he had very little respect for me and felt I was weak for not standing up to my husband. His Dad always had money and came and went as he pleased. He liked to talk the big talk, telling David about being ‘the man of the house’, and demanding respect. It was no wonder David had begun to take on similar traits.

Over time, Debbie aided hugely in rebuilding and strengthening our family. She helped my children understand that our marriage wasn’t safe or healthy - that no one should live in fear of a family member, and that we should be able to speak or act freely without fear of punishment. She offered reassurance that although Dad wouldn’t be coming home, they could still see him. She also helped create a safety plan and gave them important tools to support themselves and each other.

I’m so incredibly grateful that with the help of KIDshine, I was finally able to have my children happy and settled.

Thanks to all of this hard work, David and Amy now feel much more at peace and are managing a lot better at school. I’m happy that we are now safe and have been able to work on rebuilding our relationships, and that we are all sleeping better and feeling much more content.

Where a while back I didn’t know what my children’s future would look like, and would often lay awake worrying about how it might go - I now have high hopes for a happy and fulfilling life for them both.

I cannot thank Shine enough, and especially our KIDshine advocate – for their wonderful support helping David, Amy and I rebuild our lives and keeping violence out of our home.

— Jayne* (David and Amy’s Mum).

With over 90,000 children exposed to domestic violence each year and many going on to repeat the cycle of domestic violence in their own adult relationships, it’s crucial we are there to support them - not only to heal, but to understand how to live violent free lives.

With your help Shine can be there for the thousands of families facing situations like this every day. You can help support children like David & Amy who are escaping their violent homes by donating today.

*Names changed and representative images used to protect identity

From March 2021, Women’s Refuge Responsive Workplaces Programme and Accreditation will be merging with Shine’s DVFREE Programme and DVFREE Tick Accreditation. The merged programme will run under the banner of DVFREE, with the endorsement of Women’s Refuge. 

This merger eliminates unnecessary duplication of services, within a specialist sector which continues to be significantly under-resourced for addressing the epidemic of family violence in Aotearoa New Zealand.

DVFREE support can help to ensure that:

• Your employees who experience domestic violence are offered the most effective workplace support and safety possible, including a referral to specialist services that may be Women’s Refuge, Shine or another specialist provider. 
• Your workplace is prepared to respond appropriately and safely to employees who perpetrate domestic violence, and
• All of your employees know what to do if they’re aware that a colleague is experiencing or perpetrating domestic violence

Suncorp New Zealand was awarded the DVFREE Tick from Shine this week, joining a growing number of employers committed to a workplace free from domestic violence. 

Suncorp New Zealand’s worked with Shine to achieve the DVFREE Tick by developing training and support to ensure employees are equipped to support colleagues affected by domestic violence, and to help those experiencing domestic violence feel safe and supported at work.

“Domestic violence is not tolerated at Suncorp New Zealand, and I hope that our ongoing collaboration with Shine and the DVFREE Tick programme will make it easier for employees affected by domestic violence to raise their voice and ask for help,” says Catherine Dixon, Suncorp New Zealand Executive General Manager People and Culture.

“As an employer, we can support our people when we know about the things that might be impacting their health and wellbeing. For employees, a workplace should be a safe place of refuge, and a place where employees know who to go to and feel confident they will be supported when they need help.” 

She says with an increase in flexible working, and the recurring lockdowns and self-isolation requirements due to Covid-19, increasingly an employee’s home is their workplace.  “With specialist support from Shine, we are able to provide our people with a work environment where those affected by domestic violence are able to and feel supported to speak up, are treated with dignity and empathy, and where safety and privacy is protected.” 

“Suncorp have made a significant commitment to addressing the issue of domestic violence, with corporate sponsorship and staff fundraising for Shine for the last several years, and also now with support being provided for their own people impacted by domestic violence. We are so proud to be a Suncorp community partner,” says Shine’s General Manager Sally Ward. 

Suncorp is the 15th employer awarded the DVFREE Tick, with more currently working towards this accreditation. Hundreds more employers have engaged with DVFREE training and policy consultation services, and well over one thousand have downloaded the DVFREE Guidelines for Policy and Procedures.

ALERT LEVEL 3 (AUCKLAND) 15 February, 2021: Shine, and all NZ domestic violence and sexual violence crisis response services, are operating at Alert Level 3. This means:

You can ring our Helpline for domestic violence information and support for yourself, or advice about helping someone you know, at 0508-744-633. This number is answered 7 days a week, 9am to 11pm. If it is busy, please ring back. You can also chat to a Shine helpline advisor via webchat on our website 2shine.org.nz  Click here to find out more about how we can help you.

NOTE: If there is an emergency, and someone is being hurt or threatened, ring Police on 111. If it's not safe to speak, ring 111 then when the operator answers, stay silent and push 55 on a mobile (or push any number on a landline phone) to be put through to Police.

If you need to contact Shine, please call 0508-744-633. The Shine Kingsland office is open for contactless drop offs between 9am and 4pm.

We will update this page with further information about access, services and office hours, so please check back daily. 

Refuge/safe house accommodation for women and children escaping domestic violence is still available throughout the country. Ring our Helpline for more information.

If you have questions about how to access our services, please ring the Helpline 0508-744-633.

Go here to read about help and support throughout NZ for family violence on the Government COVID-19 website.

Go here to read more about how to help someone you know.

• It's Not OK info line: 0800 456 450 - 9am to 11pm every day
• Women's Refuge crisis line: 0800 733 843 - 24/7
• Hey Bro helpline: 0800 Hey Bro (439 276) for men who feel they’re going to harm a loved one or whanau member - 24/7

TRIGGER WARNING: Video shows domestic violence and assault

This award winning video was produced by Noleen Natasha Dayal Mrs Universe New Zealand 2021. Based on true events, this powerful video presents an experience of domestic violence and the thoughts of a victim/survivor.

Produced with actors there is no extreme violence and no one was harmed in the making of the video. However, it may be upsetting for some people so viewer discretion is advised.

“This is for everyone out there who faces violence everyday but doesn't have the strength to walk away.” - Noleen Natasha Dayal

Mitre 10 have converted an old shed at a Shine refuge into a kennel for housing up to three dogs.

In June last year, Mitre 10 called for nominations of community DIY projects across New Zealand that needed makeovers or a helping hand as part of its new Mitre 10 Helping Hands programme and asked Kiwis to vote. Shine’s kennel project was one of two chosen out of 250 entries. 

With only one other refuge in New Zealand accepting animals, this project will make a significant difference for those needing to escape unsafe situations, says Shine’s acting General Manager Sally Ward.

 “Our clients say that their pets are an important part of the family, as well as their emotional support and many will stay in an unsafe situation because they cannot leave their pets behind. This project means that they don’t have to.”

Thank you to the team from Mitre 10 and everyone who voted for Shine’s kennel project!

Come along to our quiz night
at The Kingslander

with the talented and funny Laura Daniel as your MC.

Come and enjoy a Pub Quiz evening, with a drink on arrival, drink specials and a silent auction on the night with all proceeds going to Shine.

The event will open at 7.00pm with the Quiz starting at 7.30pm, so please make sure you enter with plenty of time.

It will be held upstairs at The Kingslander. Tables will be from 4-8 people, so please book as a group or under one booking name. Numbers are limited so book via Eventbrite soon!

A big thanks to The Kingslander and all our sponsors for helping us make this happen.

Location: The Kingslander - 470 New North Road, Kingsland, Auckland 1021
Tickets are $25 on Eventbrite and include a drink on arrival
Doors open 7pm
Event starts 7:30pm

Buy tickets here.